Christmas time marks the season for candy canes of peppermint, gallons of hot chocolate which will be drinken by lovers wrapped in cashmere blankets, and the start of my innate ability to dislodge metal from my pearly whites. How romantic of Christmas?
Lost Orange Retainer
Owner: Dorothy Gal
Reward: Two nickels and Four Flinstone Vitamins
Decription/Characteristics: Neon Orange, Contains googly eyes trapped in plaster, Painted-on black grin, Ridges where teeth belong, Most likely has a thin layer of saliva protecting it
While sleeping, my subconcious mind apparently rips out my retainer from the dark matter in my mouth and thrusts it upon my silky bed covers, only to leave me confused and weary when the sun rolls around in the morning. At least my childhood dreams of becoming an explorer are fufilled. At 7:00 a.m., before getting dressed for school, I search under, above, through, around, near, next to (insert more prepositions here) the wooden posts of my bed to find that stealthy retainer. But this morning, I failed as an explorer.
Here are my top three possibilities detailing what likely happened to my retainer:
1) I ate it.
2) My sister stole it because she's jealous my retainer has a face and hers are stupid.
3) It was posessed by a medicine man I glanced at on my trip to Mexico two summers ago, grew feet from a magical potion recipe written by Severus Snape in my Harry Potter book, bungee jumped of my window sill, volleyed itself from a leaf on the mangrove plant into the brackish water of the river, and is now allowing barnacles to thrive off of it.
Personally, my money is on number one. We shall know in a few days.
If on the off chance it is not swimming in my intestines and you have seen it, please call you local animal euthanizer because this neon orange retainer is a monster without its cup of coffee!
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yeah, like i would want to steal that nasty thing. ew. :)
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