Dieting Disaters

Dorothy: "My self control will beat you, galactic coma-inducing rich and moist triple chocolate chunk cookie."
Cookie: "Prepare to never face defeat."
Dorothy: "Aw, cookie, don't get down on yourself."
Cookie: "I feel so unloved. Please nibble my chocolately chunks."
Dorothy: "From the bottom of my heart I am sincerely sorry to make you feel worthless. Here, I shall nibble on your warm center." *Scarfs down all but three crumbs
Cookie (crumbs): "Thanks buddy"
Dorothy: "By the way cookie, what did you mean by 'prepare to never face defeat'?"
Cookie (crumbs): "You should prepare to never see your feet again. Muhuhahah. Fatty."
Dorothy: "No! I trusted you, deliciously moist friend. How could you ever betray me like this?"
Cookie (crumbs): "That's the way the cookie crumbles, sugar."

Needless to say, dieting has never been in the cards for me. Whether it be the depressed look of a lonely unloved triple chocolate chunk cookie oozing on the rack, or the sweet sorrowful scent of frosted pink cupcakes in a bake sale, their pathetic cries for love leave me helpless like a mosquito dancing in the mouth of a venus fly trap. Despite forceful reminders from the deep cavernous matter of mind that swinsuit season is rapidly approaching, one innocent nibble and I'm surely a goner.

In desperation to trim down my waist, I posed as a "surveyor" and asked around town for various methods which yield healthful results. Here is an interesting method I cataloged in the filing cabinet within my mind that I recently began implementing. And guess what? It works.

The Palm Diet
On this diet, you can eat anything you want...
... so long as it isn't bigger than the size of your palm.
Want to eat a palm full of blueberries?
Go ahead.
Feel the urge to scoop up some ice cream?
Use your hand!
Of course, results may vary (this is a cushion, if you will, just in case someone gains forty pounds through this method. I am now not liable to sue) if most of your palm servings consist of fruits and vegetables,
however, this method allows the most sweetest tooth to be hushed.