House of Tan

Welcome to the House of Tan. This is Mr. Sun speaking.
May I take your order?
Please chose one of our fabulous sunburns you'd like to start off your session with that are sure to make you the envy of all your friends:

a) Shoulders - Live the life free of giving piggy-back rides.
b) Nose - Who doesn't want to look like they've been crying for hours?
c) Cheeks - Think of all the money you'll be saving on blush!
d) Back - That 'Aloe sticking to the back of a t-shirt' feeling comes free with this proceedure!
e) Whole Body - This is our most popular suntan for Europeans vacationing because of the blinding glow it exudes. Plus, you get the added bonus of needing to wear christmas clothes in the middle of summer with a legitamet excuse.

Thank you for signing up for one of our treatments.
To prepare for your session just come as you are, without sunscreen, and feel free to bathe in a fountain of baby lotion - it makes our job easier.
Embrace the burn.

While our company from Wisconsin was vacationing at my house,  I decided we should take them to the beach. Knowing the House of Tan resides at every scorching hot beach within a trillion miles, I lathered up on tubs of sunscreen, even coating places such as my inner ear canal and underneath my glittering fingernails.
To make a long story short, I escaped the wrath of the House of Tan's many sessions (a through e), but somehow I missed the flyer detailing a *Brand New Burning Place: Just Added* they swore to have stuck to my windshield wipers. Stupid bipolar wipers. Oh, and apparently the first visit is free.

"What is this new session?" you may ask.
"Why, it is no other than a sandal thong tan".

Here is their new advertisement for the sandal thong tan:
f) Sandal Thong Tan - You will be burnin' up on that dance floor long after the sun is gone!
And boy are they right!